THE GREY HORSE CREATIVE INFORMATION PAGE
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 THE GREY  HORSE NOW HAS A LIVING FACEBOOK PAGEClick on the thing (above). So you can comment, like things, scribble on walls and be social and stuff. | |
5th May 2013 - Peace in our time? Spies tell us that baby faced dictator Ken Wrong-un of North Umberland has today moved his ice cream van away from Allensford. A good first step, but we warn against complacency as his mam says he used to throw his rattle out of the pram frequently. It is thought some of these rattles can be fitted with a mechanism which, when used with caps, can go bang. Chief Inspector Sarkozy has shrugged, Gallically. | |
2nd May 2013 - The Elections The Grey Horse Party has again swept to victory in the Consett City elections with 92.6% of the vote. It's nearest challenger was UKID (Unimpressive Klingon Idiot Democrats) with 2.2%. The Dave and Ed parties polled fewer than 30 votes each, mostly from their aunties. UKID leader Nigel Fridge admitted he was disappointed as he thought his policy of allowing smoking in the bar would have been popular. The Grey Horse Party always welcomes new people in the bar & the lounge every day. Struggling economies are helped with the competitively priced real ale. | |
 7th April 2013 - Science Consett University today announced an upgrade to the Tiny Hadron Collider located in the Grey Horse Cellar. It will be dusted and have a woofle sprocket upgrade. It has already proved the existence of several sub atomic particles and the next phase is to identify "Dark Mild", a concept born from the White Hot Theory. It is thought that Red Dust is the most likely precursor to this elusive but important component of the cosmos. | |
7th April 2013: War? What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. News that evil baby faced dictator and council leader Ken Wrong-un (pictured left) of North Umberland has declared war on Co. Durham has been treated with derision by Chief Inspector Sarkozy of Consett Yard. Speaking from his bunker in Blackhill, Sarkozy said "If he steps over the border Consett defences will respond in kind". Sarkozy has been accused of inflaming the situation by flying his pigeons close to the border. In response, Wrong-un moved an ice cream van close to Allensford and ate more pies. Stop it now! | |
24th March 2013: Weather Our unseasonal weather continues into it's second week with temperatures in the 20's for 8 days in a row while the rest of the country shivers under a blanket of snow. These lovely ladies were enjoying themselves at Consett lake yesterday. Forecasters say that we can expect more fantasies as the year continues. Meanwhile White Hot is the order of the day. | |
17th March 2013 - Enclave News All eyes were on the chimney of the Grey Horse yesterday as the Bildaburger Group met to choose the new Great Pansy of the Royal and Ancient Temple of Consett Druids following the shock resignation of The Authority from the post. The new Pansy is to be Alf "Sixpenny" Bitt, former advisor to Sadies Bra Shop and expert on the Great Pyramids of Consett. | |
 23rd February 2013: The Oscars Shotley Bridge actor Les Miserable is tipped to win an Oxter at this year's Academy awards ceremony for his role as Lincoln in the box office smash hit Argos. Set near the Consett shop of the same name during the 19th century, it traces the voyage of a small boy - the son of a zookeeper and a large Lion, on a raft drifting through the towns picturesque canals trying to find Greggs to buy some pies. | |
 23rd February 2013 - From Our Royal Correspondent Bikini clad Princess Gwendoline of Consett was again in the news this week following publication of photographs showing her bump. Taken on Delves Lane Beach during a recent skive, continental newspapers were quick to publish under the heading "Royal Baby?". The Grey Horse met with the Duchess of Consett in Barry's Bargains and can exclusively reveal that the Princess is not pregnant, but does enjoy a cake or two with her beer. | |
| 23rd February 2013: Health Warning Consett City Hospital was in danger of overflow yesterday as the deadly Nora Virus spreads. Believed to have begun life in the Yorkshire Dales Nora Virus symptoms for women begin with wrinkled stockings and development of a slapped bum face (technical description). For men, it starts with a tightening of the wallet, and grunting of 'ow much? when at the bar, and walking down t'ginnell without a hat. Members of the Great Order of Consett Druids may experience all symptoms. Doctors say don't panic, although distressing, you will return to normal within a few hours. | |
19th January 2013: Weather Forecast:  On Saturday it will be warm in the Bar and Lounge, with hot air in the evening session, followed by conversation and scattered laughter. Towards closing time there may be a wobbly boot or two and occasional wind. Sunday will be White Hot, with salty bar snacks. The ale will be cool and refreshing leading to a light breeze later. Up to an inch of fine whiskey is expected followed by reduced visibility and a slight slurring. Monday will be hazy. | |
19th January 2013: Sport Ex professional cyclist Lance Boils of Spangly Terrace, Blackhill admitted drug taking to Opera Singer on Consett TV last night. Seven times Tour de Chester le Street winner Boils admitted his shame and grovelled to the public in a most revolting display of self pity. Ms. Singer described the interview as a money spinner and smiled all the way to the Not West Bank. | |
 19th January 2013: Food & Drink There was horror in the bar earlier this week when DNA of Steeltown was found in a sample of White Hot Ale during a routine test carried out by the Authority. The Authority was actually to blame as he had mistakenly picked up a midget glass of Steeltown which had been kindly provided by the Bar Lord to a newcomer to the bar - Ged Tesco, the beefburger magnate and owner of Dark Stables Ranch in Wyoming, near Stanley. A sample of his fine product is pictured left. | |
31st December 2012 - New Years Honours List Congratulations to our Olympians Willie Sprinkler (Stotty hoyin) and Betty Sponge (Pole Dance) who have been awarded the Freedom of the Consett Empire for their remarkable success in That London. A Night Hood goes to the reclusive Count Muni of Twilight Villas, Consett. It will match his cloak perfectly. Raspberries have been blown at former poggin oot champion "Speccy" Beccy McBingo and Princess Gwendoline for disgraceful behaviour during 2012. Next year looks promising for Consett, as our brave lads return from the war in Jupiter and the second diamond mine comes on stream. Culture as ever will be plentiful, notably with the opening of the extension to the Tato Building housing local great works of art and stuff. We can all look forward to a fine year, with fine ale from our fine and ancient sacred meeting place The Grey Horse. | |
25th December 2012 - A Christmas Message from The Duchess of Consett Divvent eat ower much chocolate and gan easy on the mince pies. Nae drink and drivin and always wear a vest. Use the pedestrian crossing and watch out for snakes. Keep smilin and goto work on an egg. Keep calm and carry on but not with thy neighbour. Happy Christmas, enjoy your beer and keep regular. | |
22nd December 2012 As widely predicted the world did not end yesterday. A disappointed Great Pansy of the Royal and Ancient Temple of Consett Druids (right) said "I guess I'd better do some Christmas Shopping then". However, to the delight of the tourists, four extra-terrestrial spacecraft descended on Consett Great Pyramid and took away stotties, pickled eggs and pepperami, the traditional Seasonal Feast of the Jovians, from the Christmas Market. In return for our hospitality they deflected the mini planet No Biros from it's course and saved South Stanley. The new era begins, but does look a lot like the old one. | |
| 22nd December 2012 - The Shipping Forecast There will be ships. Quite a few. | |
| 1st December 2012: LET THE FESTIVITIES COMMENCE  Consett Christmas light, kindly supplied by the Gavvenment in That Durham, was switched on last night by Ernest Gladstone MP for Chipping Potato. The light, a 40 watt modest jobbie cheered up at least 2 square feet of Middle Street. Meanwhile, nearby the Templetown Starlet Kath Landlady threw the Frankenstein type switch for the Consett Illuminations, a display of extraordinary quality. Powered by the universal will of real ale these fine decorations will again bring in the tourists to enjoy and share our quality of life for a few short hours before they return to their own, humble existence. | |
 23rd November: IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT The Great Pansy of the Royal and Ancient Temple of Consett Druids has announced thet the end of the world has been confirmed as the 21st December 2012, oddly coinciding with the end of the Mayan callendar (Not to be confused with the Matalan calendar which has fluffy kittens as a theme). All druids should assemble at Consett Great Pyramid on the evening of 21st for one final big party to watch the world explode, as a huge unknown mini planet called No biros crashes into South Stanley. Ladies underwear is optional on this occasion. The Temple AGM is confirmed as February 12th 2013. | |
23rd November: TV Review: NO-ONE KNOWS WHO I AM LET ME STOP IN HERE The sixth series fronted by local presenter Ant Ordec aired last night on Consett TV. You will be familiar with the format by now, put several celebrities in the Bar of the Grey Horse, get them to do really nice things and try to get them out at closing time. In the first epic show, Kath's cheeseboard made an appearance during a game of "Drink the White Hot", but as ever the real interest came with the interaction between the contestants. Disgraced MP Edith Sproat and rapper Smiley Grin seemed uncomfortable in the company of newly elected police chief Sarkozy, while supermodel Gladys Radiator showed everyone how to drink Steeltown while wearing a white bikini. The first person voted out of the bar was Ant Ordec himself, although there was a rumour his mum had called him for tea and Doctor Who was on. | |
28/10/2012 - TV REVIEW - DOONTOON ABBEY
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28/10/2012 - MONEY SAVING TIP - DON'T SPEND IT Even in affluent Consett I am often asked how we can do more with our hard earned and abundant cash. My advice is to spend it only on stuff. Like real ale, scampi fries, pickled eggs and other products essential for the heart and soul. Remember your local taxes are being sent to the poor south-east for the chinless of Drowning Street and their ilk to spend, so stop sending the food and clothing parcels there immediately. | |
The literary world has been set alight by the publication of this controversial novel by Consett author Elvis Games. Largely set in the bar area it is the first in a trilogy dealing with the tonsorial elegance of the patrons of the Grey Horse dealing particularly well with the issue of premature colour loss due to pork scratching abuse. The book has been criticised for the author's use of British idioms which, syntactically clash with the would-be American voice of the protagonist, thus adding further strain to the dialogue. But I thought it was arlreet me. | |
14/10/2012 RECIPE - AXOLOTL IN CUMQUAT SAUCE Take one axolotl, widely available from the fishermen at Consett Marina. Hoy in boiling water and cook for 5 minutes until tender. Meanwhile take bottle of cumquat sauce and shake vigorously. Pour on drained Axolotl. Serve on a bed of parsnip and eat listening to a large stringed instrument. Viola. Best with White Hot. | |
14th September 2012 - Music Review Smiley Grin - Drive By Cuddles Grin's sophomore album is a true return to form and takes crap music into another dimension. His new songs have a softer feel to them, particularly Gladys inspired by his girlfriend and Consett supermodel Gladys Radiator and Soft Woolly Mittens his heavy rap tribute to Julie Andrews. His urban themes are evident on Whittonstall Jessie and a fine reggae version of Dylan's Barry's Bargains. 9/10 | |
14th September 2012 - The Royals The Duchess of Consett was said to be incandescent with rage following the publication of photographs showing her grandaughter in law, Gwendoline eating a pasty in Greggs yesterday. This just weeks after Prince Ginger was similarly portrayed in the foul national press following a game of strip Cluedo. The Butler did it, with a sausage roll. | |
6th August 2012 - The Olympic Games Congratulations to the Consett team in That London for some first class performances. Amongst our medal winners are Betty Sponge in the Pole Dance, Rick Clobber in the Hops Skip and Drunk and Willie Sprinkler in the Stotty Hoyin. Our cyclists unfortunately were disqualified as their bikes had tiny nuclear engines, developed at Consett University Physics Department by Professor Bill Higgs-Bosom. The world is not ready for innovation it seems. | |
20th July 2012 Word of the Week Molybdenum. Use frequently in your metallurgical conversations and sound quite intelligent. Last week's word - Plinth, Next week - Snorkel. | |
As the world's banks slowly crumble Consett's financially astute are ploughing their wealth into safe commodities. Pickled egg futures, whippet lead manufacturers and cree makers have all benefited from investment. The Consett £ has become the vehicle of choice for overseas investors looking for a safe haven for their money, while the more adventurous are backing fillums made by our very own Templetown Productions. Tourists are spending megadollars in our Boutiques after visiting the historical Catacombs and Consett Great Pyramid and the Marina has never been busier. Famous people like Kath Landlady, supermodel Gladys Radiator and the rapper Smiley Grin can be seen almost daily on the strip, beside the Job Centre. The diamond mine and oilwell continue to be productive giving Consett citizens one of the highest standards of living in the world. Let's keep it that way and don't tell anyone in That London. | |
03/07/2012 THE OLYMPIC GAMES - UPDATE Hot favourite for the Olympic Poggin-Oot gold medal "Speccy" Beccy McBingo has been disqualified from the competition after it was found she had false eyes in the lenses of her glasses. Former amateur champion starey-ooter Desmond Goggly will take her place in the Eyedrome, That London. On a positive note, Consett's own Stotty Hoyin champion Willie Sprinkler was seen training outside Greggs today. After signing autographs for the tourists the popular all round athlete said he was also considering entering the stone skimming event. | |
 16/06/2012 THE OLYMPIC GAMES As the Olympic torch is carried through the city today, Consett University History Department have revealed startling new evidence that proves that the first Olympiad was actually held on the Belle Vue playing fields - not Olympia as first thought. In 783 BC, according to a clock found at the site, athletes from all corners of Derwentside gathered beside the Great Pyramid to compete for Lead Medals. Stotty Hoyin (see photograph - note tabs in left hand), Darts & Dominoes, Egg Jarping, Stone Skimming, Gurning and Pigeon racing were all important events in the games. Indoor events were held in the Olde Greyus Equus, a sacred meeting place. The cost to the taxpayer was about 14 Consett Dollars in today's money. | |
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THE UNIVERSITY OF CONSETT - A Real Ale University Please see the archives for further information
Certificate of Time Travel (pdf 232kb) | |
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